So- instead of occupying wall street, ATLiens have been occupying downtown. People hold signs that say " it's a recession, who's makin money? Wall street!" Well guess what folks, if you weren't protesting maybe you could be at work making money. I went to college. I work at a restaurant. I work everyday. But guess what, it's all relative. I say it's all relative because if you just so happened to be in that 1%, and you found a way to make all that money and it was YOUR money, would you want to give it away? When you see a homeless man on the street begging for money, do you feel obligated to give him your hard earned cash? NO. You made your money, you worked hard for that money. You don't know what he/she will do with THAT money. I believe in standing up for your rights. I do believe that there are some things that can be changed. However, if you look back in history, protests never changed a darn thing. During the civil rights movement, protests lead to riots, violence and death. In the 1960s, protests against the Vietnam war did not end the war or deter war in later years.
I suppose it's all a bunch of nonsense to me. You are protesting against financial greed, however, aren't you displaying greed by wanting to take away the 1% money? What's the real issue here? That we all wish we had some money and a job? Or the rich who pay for your handouts or for you to be on welfare?
Put down your markers and poster board. Sell yourself, start a business....do something.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Food
Lets start off with a little history lesson. Before preservatives, sweetners, spices, food coloring and all that other jazz there was this thing called eating to survive. Knights, cow boys, Indians, davey crocket-They all had to hunt for their food. They didn't have any A1 sauce for their deer, or barbeque for their squirrell. They didn't eat because it tasted good. They ate because they needed to in order to survive. Food was a necessity. Then the damn Indians and Pilgrims became besties. They started creating shit like bread pudding. That's when food started to become tasty. In the medeival times, being fat meant you were rich, so eating became a hobby. The fatter you were, the more money you had. Too bad that's not the case anymore.
The point I am trying to make is if fat was pretty, the world would be obese. Eating is no longer just a necessity. People eat when they are sad, they eat when they are bored, some think eating is a hobby, they eat when they are happy. As I sit here eating an entire bag of EXTRA cheddar gold fish, I think to myself. Why is eating satisifying? It tastes good for about 10 minutes then stays on your body in places like your ass and your thighs for far too long. Who the hell invented this stuff anyway?
The point I am trying to make is if fat was pretty, the world would be obese. Eating is no longer just a necessity. People eat when they are sad, they eat when they are bored, some think eating is a hobby, they eat when they are happy. As I sit here eating an entire bag of EXTRA cheddar gold fish, I think to myself. Why is eating satisifying? It tastes good for about 10 minutes then stays on your body in places like your ass and your thighs for far too long. Who the hell invented this stuff anyway?
Friday, September 2, 2011
P.huck M.y S.ycle
P. huck M. y S. ycle
Also known as (THE ONE AND ONLY) pre-menstrual cycle, PMS is a bitch, LITERALLY. Every month, unless pregnant, obese, anorexic, or too active, women can anticipate their wonderful PERIOD. Sometimes on schedule, sometimes late, the period -aka:crime scene aka: the rag aka: Aunt Floe- takes it toll on every woman differently. Some women become more emotional, some women become irritable, some women are unchanged and some women just experience discomfort.
ME, on the other hand, I am a chosen one. I experience it all. Mother nature sure is a bitch. She sneaks up on me whenever she wants to. Sometimes shes early and sometimes shes late. I cry, I laugh, I get pissed, I get cramps, I feel fat, I eat, I cry some more, I yell, I eat some more, I get mad...Its all a cycle during a cycle. My hormones are up, they are down, they go left, they go right.
It starts the week before. I start to eat everything in sight. My stomach is a bottomless pit. I feel bloated. Then I eat some more and then I feel fat. Then I cry because I am fat. Then I watch the television and a pet cruelty commercial comes on. The cat has one ear and no hair. I cry. I hate cats, but I still cry. Lifetime movies come on, I cry. The stories are not real. In fact, they are far from realistic. They are corny, I ball. I continue to eat some chips and maybe some ice cream. I feel fat and bloated once again. I complain about being fat. I blame it on my period. I go to work, somebody asks me for a water. Really? WTF-thats annoying, I DONT WANT TO GET YOU A WATER. I forget that its part of my job. Someone makes fun of me, a joke that I can take during any other week, I cry. People stop at stop lights, I get pissed. People drive slow, I curse to myself. Someone accidentally bumps into me, THAT STUPID B****.
PMS gives women an excuse to be bitchy. "Shes not usually a bitch, shes just on her period." Well, some women must be on their period a lot. All I know is that PMS is the devil.
Phuck My Sycle!!
(F*** my Cycle)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Leggings are not equivalent to Jeans
A trending topic in the world of fashion is, "Can Leggings Take the Place of Jeans?" And with no hesitation, no #pause, no ifs ands or buts about it, NO exceptions...I have to say ABSOLUTELY NOT. Some of you beg to differ, I am sure, because I have seen leggings take the place of jeans on all shapes and sizes. When I say all shapes and sizes I mean ALLLLLLLLL shapes and sizes.
To give you a brief history of leggings, they were originally used for things such as protection and warmth in the Renaissance era by women AND MEN. Cowboys wore leggings. Dancers wore (wear) leggings to keep their ankles warm. Then the 80's came (I thought we should never go back.) Leggings became a fashion statement under SHORT skirts and babydoll DRESSES. Then the 21st century hit and leggings grew out of control.
For most women, leggings feel comfortable. No zippers, no buttons, no constrictions, just good old stretch. However, if you are not careful, as your leggings expand, you may not realize your entire body is expanding. I truly understand the comfort that comes with leggings, but I also realize that leggings just aren't that thick. They're kind of like tights, the further you go up, the bigger things get (butt, thighs)...which means the more your leggings stretch, making them SEE through. You might not realize, but everyone BEHIND you realizes...especially when you bend over.
You may have nice ASSets, but no one wants to see your bright red thong through your leggings. Which brings me to address another point, DO NOT WEAR TANK TOPS THAT DO NOT COVER your butt in leggings. I have never seen so many bare asses in my life until this new legging trend, this really shouldn't be a trend Ladies. LEGGINGS should be a privelage NOT a right. If you got a little muffin top, or a little extra junk in the trunk (like most of us)- Flaunt what you got not what you WANT. Leave leggings as pants to the super models and teenagers.
So to all of you reading this, if you have to question whether or not you do this, then you should probably go buy some longer shirts and some thicker leggings.
Leggings as pants is risky....wear at your own risk!!
To give you a brief history of leggings, they were originally used for things such as protection and warmth in the Renaissance era by women AND MEN. Cowboys wore leggings. Dancers wore (wear) leggings to keep their ankles warm. Then the 80's came (I thought we should never go back.) Leggings became a fashion statement under SHORT skirts and babydoll DRESSES. Then the 21st century hit and leggings grew out of control.
For most women, leggings feel comfortable. No zippers, no buttons, no constrictions, just good old stretch. However, if you are not careful, as your leggings expand, you may not realize your entire body is expanding. I truly understand the comfort that comes with leggings, but I also realize that leggings just aren't that thick. They're kind of like tights, the further you go up, the bigger things get (butt, thighs)...which means the more your leggings stretch, making them SEE through. You might not realize, but everyone BEHIND you realizes...especially when you bend over.
You may have nice ASSets, but no one wants to see your bright red thong through your leggings. Which brings me to address another point, DO NOT WEAR TANK TOPS THAT DO NOT COVER your butt in leggings. I have never seen so many bare asses in my life until this new legging trend, this really shouldn't be a trend Ladies. LEGGINGS should be a privelage NOT a right. If you got a little muffin top, or a little extra junk in the trunk (like most of us)- Flaunt what you got not what you WANT. Leave leggings as pants to the super models and teenagers.
So to all of you reading this, if you have to question whether or not you do this, then you should probably go buy some longer shirts and some thicker leggings.
Leggings as pants is risky....wear at your own risk!!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
There's a reason you're still single...
Every so often McCormick and Shmicks caters to a large group of 100, OVER THE HILL, singles. It just so happens that they like to meet in the bar for happy hour. If you remember the last blog, you remember that happy hour isn't so happy....Add a 100 desperate, old singles and it makes even less happy.
Let me just set the mood....
The night begins, a few older gentlemen start trickling in. They order diet cokes and burgers for $2.95. Then a few general public tables walk in-lucky for them they get some live entertainment for the night. The women start walking in, all a little bit older themselves. The men keep sitting by themselves, some EXTREMELY awkward..maybe on the spectrum awkward. Then, like a diamond in the rough, THERE SHE IS! The men all start to gawk, maybe some even drool a little. She walks in a little further and she says "MOM," yes, MOM..."Where do you want to sit." I wanted to say, look around you fellas, do you really think she is the same age as you and the other women in here? YOU HAVE NO CHANCE. Your teeth are gone, your hair is just about gone, and your money probably goes to hospital bills. Not a chance.
The night goes on. Men start ordering women drinks...and putting them on the women's tabs. REASON 1 why you are still single. I hear a man start telling a woman that he doesn't eat at McCormicks any more because the last time his bill was 83 dollars and he gave the server 100 dollars and he kept the change. Well sir, thats actually an appropriate tip. REASON 2 why you are still single. You might as well start telling everyone you wear depends to bed!
THEN the finale begins. A man orders a glass of wine. Any intelligent person with common sense would look around and say, ok, there are 100 people in this bar, peo
ple in the dining room eating dinner, 2 servers and 2 bar tenders.....I might not get my drink in 1 minute. I walk past him..he grabs my arm. Wheres my wine? It's coming sir. DONT YOU THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE HIRED ANOTHER BAR TENDER TONIGHT KNOWING THERE WOULD BE 100 PEOPLE. Yes, the manager should have hired one more bar tender for the night to cater to the 100 singles that come in EVERY SO OFTEN. Sorry sir, its really busy. He goes on and ON. Finally, in the nicest voice possible I say, Patience is a virtue sir. He gets embarrassed and shuts up. REASON 3 why you are still single. Then, a frustrated man, that apparently didn't get a beer or something to eat the entire night never gets his burger. DUHN DUHN DUHN. He comes up to the computer. Excuse me, where is my burger? My co-worker tells him that she thought he was just kidding because he made a joke about getting a "free burger." HE SNAPS. HE STARTS YELLING. HIS EYES ARE POPPING OUT OF HIS HEAD. (someone needs to get laid) I KNEW YOU WOULD FORGET ABOUT MY BURGER. I KNEW YOU WERENT LISTENING TO ME. YOU ARE NOT GETTING A TIP. HE POINTS AT ME-ONLY SHE WILL!!!! woaaaaaaaaaaaaah-all that for a 2.95 burger. To top it off, he got that burger for free. Happy at happy hour now sir? REASON 4 why you are still single.
To say the least, that singles group is probably one of the most miserable groups on the planet. There's a reason you're all still single.....
Let me just set the mood....
The night begins, a few older gentlemen start trickling in. They order diet cokes and burgers for $2.95. Then a few general public tables walk in-lucky for them they get some live entertainment for the night. The women start walking in, all a little bit older themselves. The men keep sitting by themselves, some EXTREMELY awkward..maybe on the spectrum awkward. Then, like a diamond in the rough, THERE SHE IS! The men all start to gawk, maybe some even drool a little. She walks in a little further and she says "MOM," yes, MOM..."Where do you want to sit." I wanted to say, look around you fellas, do you really think she is the same age as you and the other women in here? YOU HAVE NO CHANCE. Your teeth are gone, your hair is just about gone, and your money probably goes to hospital bills. Not a chance.
The night goes on. Men start ordering women drinks...and putting them on the women's tabs. REASON 1 why you are still single. I hear a man start telling a woman that he doesn't eat at McCormicks any more because the last time his bill was 83 dollars and he gave the server 100 dollars and he kept the change. Well sir, thats actually an appropriate tip. REASON 2 why you are still single. You might as well start telling everyone you wear depends to bed!
THEN the finale begins. A man orders a glass of wine. Any intelligent person with common sense would look around and say, ok, there are 100 people in this bar, peo
ple in the dining room eating dinner, 2 servers and 2 bar tenders.....I might not get my drink in 1 minute. I walk past him..he grabs my arm. Wheres my wine? It's coming sir. DONT YOU THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE HIRED ANOTHER BAR TENDER TONIGHT KNOWING THERE WOULD BE 100 PEOPLE. Yes, the manager should have hired one more bar tender for the night to cater to the 100 singles that come in EVERY SO OFTEN. Sorry sir, its really busy. He goes on and ON. Finally, in the nicest voice possible I say, Patience is a virtue sir. He gets embarrassed and shuts up. REASON 3 why you are still single. Then, a frustrated man, that apparently didn't get a beer or something to eat the entire night never gets his burger. DUHN DUHN DUHN. He comes up to the computer. Excuse me, where is my burger? My co-worker tells him that she thought he was just kidding because he made a joke about getting a "free burger." HE SNAPS. HE STARTS YELLING. HIS EYES ARE POPPING OUT OF HIS HEAD. (someone needs to get laid) I KNEW YOU WOULD FORGET ABOUT MY BURGER. I KNEW YOU WERENT LISTENING TO ME. YOU ARE NOT GETTING A TIP. HE POINTS AT ME-ONLY SHE WILL!!!! woaaaaaaaaaaaaah-all that for a 2.95 burger. To top it off, he got that burger for free. Happy at happy hour now sir? REASON 4 why you are still single.
To say the least, that singles group is probably one of the most miserable groups on the planet. There's a reason you're all still single.....
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The Trials and Tribulations of a Day in the Life of a Server
I could write a book on the bull shit that a server has to go through on a daily basis. Six years (almost 7) in the restaurant industry has made me realize a few things about the world:
1. people are assholes
2. being a servant sucks
As a tribute to almost 7 years of being in the service industry, I have decided that my next few blogs will be dedicated to describing some pretty hilarious/awful experiences that I have dealt with in the past years as a server.
"Happy Hour"
Whoever invented happy hour must have been on drugs! Happy hour makes me anything but happy. I spend 3.5 hours busting my ass for cheap ass people who give lousy effin tips. 3:30 arrives and the vultures start piling in. It usually starts off slow and steady- A few tables here and there. Then 6:15 hits and everyone comes at once. Now, when you think of happy hour, you think of business men and women coming in after a long day of work to unwind, relax and enjoy a beverage or two. ERRRRRRR wrong. When I think of happy hour I think of a bunch of broke ass people trying to get themselves a few cheap drinks and a bite to eat for cheaper than a meal at McDonalds or Wendys.
Once the rush hits, people start snapping there fingers at you and waving there hands. Sometimes I swear people think we have 8 hands. People start asking how many tacos come with the $1.95 fish taco. "One." "WOW, only ONE." How many tacos do you think you get for $1.95. My favorite is when people come to happy hour for a full course meal. "We will have the spinach dip for an appetizer and the hamburgers for a meal...MAKE SURE THEY DONT COME OUT ALL AT ONCE." At this point we usually have about 15 tables that sat all at once-you'll be lucky to get ANY of the food that you ordered.
Today we had a table with a bill of a little less than $30 at happy hour. Big Spendas, Big Spendas! They gave us $30, so we gave them back .77 hoping that they would give us more money as a tip. I walk by and hear the lady say "Well, I don't have any more cash, but at least she will get something." I see her put $2 in the book. She took the .77. REALLY? I wanted to run back and say, KEEP THE CHANGE YOU FILTHY ANIMAL, YOU NEED THIS MORE THAN ME (obviously.)
Disclaimer---If you go out to dinner REMEMBER that your servers make $2.75 an HOUR. We RELY on your tips for our INCOME. If you can't afford to tip AT LEAST 15%-Dont even bother going out. Your cheap ass will be talked about FOREVER.
1. people are assholes
2. being a servant sucks
As a tribute to almost 7 years of being in the service industry, I have decided that my next few blogs will be dedicated to describing some pretty hilarious/awful experiences that I have dealt with in the past years as a server.
"Happy Hour"
Whoever invented happy hour must have been on drugs! Happy hour makes me anything but happy. I spend 3.5 hours busting my ass for cheap ass people who give lousy effin tips. 3:30 arrives and the vultures start piling in. It usually starts off slow and steady- A few tables here and there. Then 6:15 hits and everyone comes at once. Now, when you think of happy hour, you think of business men and women coming in after a long day of work to unwind, relax and enjoy a beverage or two. ERRRRRRR wrong. When I think of happy hour I think of a bunch of broke ass people trying to get themselves a few cheap drinks and a bite to eat for cheaper than a meal at McDonalds or Wendys.
Once the rush hits, people start snapping there fingers at you and waving there hands. Sometimes I swear people think we have 8 hands. People start asking how many tacos come with the $1.95 fish taco. "One." "WOW, only ONE." How many tacos do you think you get for $1.95. My favorite is when people come to happy hour for a full course meal. "We will have the spinach dip for an appetizer and the hamburgers for a meal...MAKE SURE THEY DONT COME OUT ALL AT ONCE." At this point we usually have about 15 tables that sat all at once-you'll be lucky to get ANY of the food that you ordered.
Today we had a table with a bill of a little less than $30 at happy hour. Big Spendas, Big Spendas! They gave us $30, so we gave them back .77 hoping that they would give us more money as a tip. I walk by and hear the lady say "Well, I don't have any more cash, but at least she will get something." I see her put $2 in the book. She took the .77. REALLY? I wanted to run back and say, KEEP THE CHANGE YOU FILTHY ANIMAL, YOU NEED THIS MORE THAN ME (obviously.)
Disclaimer---If you go out to dinner REMEMBER that your servers make $2.75 an HOUR. We RELY on your tips for our INCOME. If you can't afford to tip AT LEAST 15%-Dont even bother going out. Your cheap ass will be talked about FOREVER.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Im SO New Hampshire
So, I'm in the land of hip-hop. I'm definitely not "So Hood," But, I might just be "So New Hampshire......."
[Chorus:]
I'm So New Hampshire (Listen)
I Wear My Pants Above My Waist
And I never dance because I feel out of place
'Cause You And The other States Plan To Hate (I'm So New Hampshire)
And I Got These Toothpicks Up In My Mouth If You Get Closer To My Lake House Then You Know What I'm Talking about I'm Out New Hampshire
And If You Feel Me Put Your hunting guns up (New Hampshire) My City of Crackas Can You Stand Up (I'm So New Hampshire)
If You're Not From Here You’ll Get Bored And Walk It Out And You Not New Hampshire Then You Don't Know What I'm Talking about
Everybody Wanna Motherfucking Know Why Its Live Free or Die What the fuck is Rye (Beach)
I Do It For The Granite State
Bitch Ass Crackas I Do It 'Cause I seat belt hate
Heavy winter clothing in the mountains, doing mad skiing tricks
Living Life Like A hick with these Bitch Ass Crackas in the Sticks
But I ain't Going Boat With 'Em
Camping and hunting with 'Em
Tough young Crackas get boozed Up
good ol’ country Life, nothing but Beirut and flip cup
I'm Straight Out New Hampshire
See That's What I Do It For
My High Class NH Ass
Just Renewed my Fishing Pass
Monday, June 13, 2011
This can't be serious.
This weekend, my best friend, Katelyn Pike, came to visit Atlanta. Good old Atlanta. Land of the Free (freely Gay) and Home of the Brave(s).
A typical Saturday night usually begins with me trying to flirt with the cab driver in an effort to reduce the fee. It also usually includes a 10 dollar fee to stand in line at an over priced, smokey club filled with a bunch of drunk idiots. It is very rare that you will go to the club and find your soul mate. However, it is quite typical for you to find an obnoxiously disgusting dude to hit on you.
I definitely don't want to stereotype, but from my own experiences, black men are WAY more forward than white men. An average night for me consists of getting told that I have an extremely large booty. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN girl, where did you get all that from?" Um, excuse me? All of what? I know he's not talking about my money. " I would love to get to know you and that booty, what are your digits?" "So, where's the AFTER party?" All very intriguing and breathe taking lines.
Something really weird happened this weekend while Katelyn and I were at the Pink Pony. We actually stopped and said, "this cant be serious!" We were sitting in front of the stripper stage minding our own dollar bills when we caught the eyes of two very attractive white males. They looked at us and mouthed something. We tried our best to read their lips through the legs of the strippers, but it was hard, so we just shrugged. Finally we hear..."YOU GUYS ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN HERE." We weren't sure if they were talking to us, or to the girls to left and right of us (and Im not talking about the strippers, if you know what I mean). "LET US TAKE YOU TO WAFFLE HOUSE." Now, at 3:30 am, this sounds EXTREMELY appetizing and sweet. AWWW, they want to take us on a DATE?! Katelyn looks at me and says "they will probably change their minds when we stand up."
Last call approches. The two white men stumbled to where we were standing. They invited us to waffle house AGAIN. We turned them down. They wanted to share a cab with us. Katelyn and I being as smart and straight forward as we are do not ask them what they are doing when they get into the cab. I guess we were going to Waffle House. ERRR wrong. They asked us for our address. Us, being as smart and intoxicated as we were, screamed it out to the cab driver.
We got to our apartment. GREAT, they probably wanted to come in. ERRR wrong again. "It was a pleasure meeting you two beautiful ladies, have a great night!" Ummm? Did that REALLY just happen? They rode in the cab with us to PAY for us and say good bye? I'll take it.
Well, either Katelyn was right and they only liked what they saw from the neck up, or we actually met 2 REAL LIFE gentlemen.
I guess we will never know!!
A typical Saturday night usually begins with me trying to flirt with the cab driver in an effort to reduce the fee. It also usually includes a 10 dollar fee to stand in line at an over priced, smokey club filled with a bunch of drunk idiots. It is very rare that you will go to the club and find your soul mate. However, it is quite typical for you to find an obnoxiously disgusting dude to hit on you.
I definitely don't want to stereotype, but from my own experiences, black men are WAY more forward than white men. An average night for me consists of getting told that I have an extremely large booty. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN girl, where did you get all that from?" Um, excuse me? All of what? I know he's not talking about my money. " I would love to get to know you and that booty, what are your digits?" "So, where's the AFTER party?" All very intriguing and breathe taking lines.
Something really weird happened this weekend while Katelyn and I were at the Pink Pony. We actually stopped and said, "this cant be serious!" We were sitting in front of the stripper stage minding our own dollar bills when we caught the eyes of two very attractive white males. They looked at us and mouthed something. We tried our best to read their lips through the legs of the strippers, but it was hard, so we just shrugged. Finally we hear..."YOU GUYS ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN HERE." We weren't sure if they were talking to us, or to the girls to left and right of us (and Im not talking about the strippers, if you know what I mean). "LET US TAKE YOU TO WAFFLE HOUSE." Now, at 3:30 am, this sounds EXTREMELY appetizing and sweet. AWWW, they want to take us on a DATE?! Katelyn looks at me and says "they will probably change their minds when we stand up."
Last call approches. The two white men stumbled to where we were standing. They invited us to waffle house AGAIN. We turned them down. They wanted to share a cab with us. Katelyn and I being as smart and straight forward as we are do not ask them what they are doing when they get into the cab. I guess we were going to Waffle House. ERRR wrong. They asked us for our address. Us, being as smart and intoxicated as we were, screamed it out to the cab driver.
We got to our apartment. GREAT, they probably wanted to come in. ERRR wrong again. "It was a pleasure meeting you two beautiful ladies, have a great night!" Ummm? Did that REALLY just happen? They rode in the cab with us to PAY for us and say good bye? I'll take it.
Well, either Katelyn was right and they only liked what they saw from the neck up, or we actually met 2 REAL LIFE gentlemen.
I guess we will never know!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The Art of "Sexting"
WARNING-this is rated R
Before I start discussing this ever so controversial topic, I want to let it be known that I, Victoria Gellatly, have NEVER participated in such behaviors. I have, however, been on the receiving end.
What is sexting? According to urban dictionary.com, sexting is when a guy and a girl send dirty text messages back and forth to each other. Pictures may also be included, but only if you are lucky.
For most people, sexting most commonly occurs after a certain hour. After a few shots of tequila, a couple beers and a few vodka soda waters, the art of sexting can be practiced professionally by most teens, young adults and by some grown ass men and women.
There a couple types of sexting that I will be discussing.
Type 1: booty call sexting
For those of you who do not know, sexting usually starts when the liquor has got you feeling good. When you leave the house you think you look alright, but when you're out after a few drinks you think you look like Beyonce. So, you start sending texts like "hey baby" and "what u doing right now" to multiple attractive people in your phone in hopes of at least one reply back. All you really want is a late night rendezvous or a date to waffle house. Then when all 3 of the 20 people you texted get back to you, you can take your pick. I'd personally go with the one who would take me out to waffle house, watch me eat like 3 pancakes, 2 eggs, bacon, homefries and the leftovers from his plate. Then, I would miraculously have no money to pay for all that food and he would have to pay for it. After all that eating, he still wants to desperately take me home. (If he gets there, does that make the breakfast he paid for an equal exchange? Does that make me a prost....never mind). Then there are the guys that will text you at 2 am..."what are you doing?" "Do you want to cuddle?". Who the hell wants to cuddle at 2 am?! At 2 am Im trying to sleep. LADIES-if he says he wants to cuddle at 2 am-HES LYING. Cuddling is code for you know what! If you think he wants to cuddle at 2 am, you might as well be naked when you answer the door.
Type 2: Plain old sexting
Plain old sexting is the act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit (urbandictionary.com). AKA-phone sex without the talking. Look how far technology has brought us today. It allows us to send mail more efficiently, pay bills from the comfort of our own homes, keep in touch with long lost friends through video chatting AND most importantly, it allows us to have S"text"ual conversations via the cell phone. Personally, I dont get sexting. Whats the point of typing to someone "you have nice breasts, send me a picture." Its funny because half the things that are said over sexting would never be mentioned in "real life." Doesn't that make for an awkward next outing or hang out session? Can you imagine sitting on the couch saying "I like your breasts" "Do you like touching nipples?" -Nope, never going to happen. Sexting allows us to say things to people that we would never say in real life.
So, how do we practice safe sexting? Let your mouth and not your fingers do the talking.
Before I start discussing this ever so controversial topic, I want to let it be known that I, Victoria Gellatly, have NEVER participated in such behaviors. I have, however, been on the receiving end.
What is sexting? According to urban dictionary.com, sexting is when a guy and a girl send dirty text messages back and forth to each other. Pictures may also be included, but only if you are lucky.
For most people, sexting most commonly occurs after a certain hour. After a few shots of tequila, a couple beers and a few vodka soda waters, the art of sexting can be practiced professionally by most teens, young adults and by some grown ass men and women.
There a couple types of sexting that I will be discussing.
Type 1: booty call sexting
For those of you who do not know, sexting usually starts when the liquor has got you feeling good. When you leave the house you think you look alright, but when you're out after a few drinks you think you look like Beyonce. So, you start sending texts like "hey baby" and "what u doing right now" to multiple attractive people in your phone in hopes of at least one reply back. All you really want is a late night rendezvous or a date to waffle house. Then when all 3 of the 20 people you texted get back to you, you can take your pick. I'd personally go with the one who would take me out to waffle house, watch me eat like 3 pancakes, 2 eggs, bacon, homefries and the leftovers from his plate. Then, I would miraculously have no money to pay for all that food and he would have to pay for it. After all that eating, he still wants to desperately take me home. (If he gets there, does that make the breakfast he paid for an equal exchange? Does that make me a prost....never mind). Then there are the guys that will text you at 2 am..."what are you doing?" "Do you want to cuddle?". Who the hell wants to cuddle at 2 am?! At 2 am Im trying to sleep. LADIES-if he says he wants to cuddle at 2 am-HES LYING. Cuddling is code for you know what! If you think he wants to cuddle at 2 am, you might as well be naked when you answer the door.
Type 2: Plain old sexting
Plain old sexting is the act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit (urbandictionary.com). AKA-phone sex without the talking. Look how far technology has brought us today. It allows us to send mail more efficiently, pay bills from the comfort of our own homes, keep in touch with long lost friends through video chatting AND most importantly, it allows us to have S"text"ual conversations via the cell phone. Personally, I dont get sexting. Whats the point of typing to someone "you have nice breasts, send me a picture." Its funny because half the things that are said over sexting would never be mentioned in "real life." Doesn't that make for an awkward next outing or hang out session? Can you imagine sitting on the couch saying "I like your breasts" "Do you like touching nipples?" -Nope, never going to happen. Sexting allows us to say things to people that we would never say in real life.
So, how do we practice safe sexting? Let your mouth and not your fingers do the talking.
Friday, May 13, 2011
F**** Bitches, Get Money
I want to share the ever so amusing quote my best friend just posted on her facebook wall:"
Like I used to do in my AP english class, I am about to dissect and analyze the language that is used in this quote to interpret its meaning.
To start off, I would like to point out that yes, this quote can be interpreted as coming from someone who is by definition a "gold digger." To clarify, a gold digger is "A bitch trying to weasel you out of your cheddar" and or " a person who goes out with you fo yo money." Big shout out to Urbandictionary.com for the clarification. This can be assumed based on the line "who be datin Ben Franklin, George Washington, and Abe Lincoln." The presidents' names symbolize money. The fact that the ladies are "dating" these "dead presidents pictured on money" could mean that the ladies are dating men solely for their cheddar, cash money, dolla bills, stacks, racks-whatever you want to call it. When the quote states "you'll be better off in life, get that money," it suggests that yes, money does indeed buy happiness. I will not 100 percent disagree. Like my momma always said, "Its just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man." Now, fellas-I am not trying to say that money is everything, but potential is everything. If you are sitting at home playing video games, eating ramen noodles and drinking orange soda, you are NOT for me.
However, this quote can be interpreted in an entirely different way. Where the quote states"datin ," it could also be interpreted as meaning make you're own goddamn money. Because despite contrary belief, money DOES buy happiness. I know first hand-money buys me shoes, clothes, food, alcohol AND everything else in life that makes me HAPPY! "You'll be better off in life," if you worry more about making that money than trying to get that money from a man. Amen---
To SUM it all up. A wise man,Notorious B.I.G, once said F*** Bitches, GET MONEY!
Like I used to do in my AP english class, I am about to dissect and analyze the language that is used in this quote to interpret its meaning.
To start off, I would like to point out that yes, this quote can be interpreted as coming from someone who is by definition a "gold digger." To clarify, a gold digger is "A bitch trying to weasel you out of your cheddar" and or " a person who goes out with you fo yo money." Big shout out to Urbandictionary.com for the clarification. This can be assumed based on the line "who be datin Ben Franklin, George Washington, and Abe Lincoln." The presidents' names symbolize money. The fact that the ladies are "dating" these "dead presidents pictured on money" could mean that the ladies are dating men solely for their cheddar, cash money, dolla bills, stacks, racks-whatever you want to call it. When the quote states "you'll be better off in life, get that money," it suggests that yes, money does indeed buy happiness. I will not 100 percent disagree. Like my momma always said, "Its just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man." Now, fellas-I am not trying to say that money is everything, but potential is everything. If you are sitting at home playing video games, eating ramen noodles and drinking orange soda, you are NOT for me.
However, this quote can be interpreted in an entirely different way. Where the quote states"datin ," it could also be interpreted as meaning make you're own goddamn money. Because despite contrary belief, money DOES buy happiness. I know first hand-money buys me shoes, clothes, food, alcohol AND everything else in life that makes me HAPPY! "You'll be better off in life," if you worry more about making that money than trying to get that money from a man. Amen---
To SUM it all up. A wise man,Notorious B.I.G, once said F*** Bitches, GET MONEY!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Booty, Booty, Booty Rockin' Everywhere
Ok. I know I talk about butts a lot, but I am still trying to figure out why my bootylicious rump is such a spectacle. I know you like big butts and you cannot lie, but PLEASE, lie to me. Tell me its small-just make me feel good. If you didn't notice-I AM WHITE. Big butts are not accepted in this world-especially not butts of my caliber!
So, the other night I went to a club. Apparently a very safe club because everyone entering had to be patted down. The lady starts at my shoulders and works her way down (mind you, I didnt have much on to hide guns and knives in). She gets to my butt-gives it a little feel (yes, it is big, but no, I am not hiding anything in there), looks at me and says "IS THAT REAL?" Um, is what real? She looks at me like I just said something stupid, "You're BUTT!!" I go uh, yah-it's real. Thank you Taco Cabana and Bud Light ;) She Then proceeds to call the bouncer over-"HEY! Her butt is REAL!" He looks over in SHOCK. Um. HI! I am standing right here. I think I am going to start charging a fee. A buck a booty.
So, the other night I went to a club. Apparently a very safe club because everyone entering had to be patted down. The lady starts at my shoulders and works her way down (mind you, I didnt have much on to hide guns and knives in). She gets to my butt-gives it a little feel (yes, it is big, but no, I am not hiding anything in there), looks at me and says "IS THAT REAL?" Um, is what real? She looks at me like I just said something stupid, "You're BUTT!!" I go uh, yah-it's real. Thank you Taco Cabana and Bud Light ;) She Then proceeds to call the bouncer over-"HEY! Her butt is REAL!" He looks over in SHOCK. Um. HI! I am standing right here. I think I am going to start charging a fee. A buck a booty.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Men
I am really trying to figure out the male species. So I've broken them down a little bit to help you ladies learn what to stay away from.
Genus:
The Manipulator:Usually a great liar. Able to turn everything around on you. Charming and has some amazing sweet talking skills. Best Actors.
The Sneak: Tells you hes going to the opera, but really hes going to the strip club. When he texts "Alex" it's really Alexandra. Like shaggy said, "Wasn't me!"
Mr. Know It All: You can never get a word in. He knows everything, even when he is wrong. Only pro is that you'll never have to answer any question you're unsure of, he'll do it for you.
Master Man: Its his way or the high way. Where are you going? What are you doing? Who are you with? Get me a soda! Hell to the NO
Lazy Larry: Probably still living on his parents couch. Tells you he has been looking for a job forever while he sits there playing video games. Tries to bum a few dollars off of you. Always forgets his wallet.
Mister Wife Beater:Plain and Simple-Beats bitches up mentally and physically.
Mr.Popular: Usually thinks you are lucky for being with him. Has 9000 friends and no time for you. Chooses fist pumping with the boys over being with his girl.
A few other things to watch out for:
There is no such thing as a cool geek. If hes a geek, he probably lacks some serious social skills.
I don't care if he has money. If he has to use viagra, it will never work. He's too old.
If he talks about his body more than he talks about his friends and family, chances are you will probably never make top 10 on his list.
If he calls his mom before he makes every decision, he loves his momma TOO much.
If he wants to have a little fun with you AND your girl friend-he is probably a swinger and has herpes.
If he tells you he dabbles in a few professional fields, he probably does not have a job or is a drug dealer.
If he is married. He cheats on her, he'll cheat on you.
Its better to be SINGLE than to SETTLE!
Genus:
The Manipulator:Usually a great liar. Able to turn everything around on you. Charming and has some amazing sweet talking skills. Best Actors.
The Sneak: Tells you hes going to the opera, but really hes going to the strip club. When he texts "Alex" it's really Alexandra. Like shaggy said, "Wasn't me!"
Mr. Know It All: You can never get a word in. He knows everything, even when he is wrong. Only pro is that you'll never have to answer any question you're unsure of, he'll do it for you.
Master Man: Its his way or the high way. Where are you going? What are you doing? Who are you with? Get me a soda! Hell to the NO
Lazy Larry: Probably still living on his parents couch. Tells you he has been looking for a job forever while he sits there playing video games. Tries to bum a few dollars off of you. Always forgets his wallet.
Mister Wife Beater:Plain and Simple-Beats bitches up mentally and physically.
Mr.Popular: Usually thinks you are lucky for being with him. Has 9000 friends and no time for you. Chooses fist pumping with the boys over being with his girl.
A few other things to watch out for:
There is no such thing as a cool geek. If hes a geek, he probably lacks some serious social skills.
I don't care if he has money. If he has to use viagra, it will never work. He's too old.
If he talks about his body more than he talks about his friends and family, chances are you will probably never make top 10 on his list.
If he calls his mom before he makes every decision, he loves his momma TOO much.
If he wants to have a little fun with you AND your girl friend-he is probably a swinger and has herpes.
If he tells you he dabbles in a few professional fields, he probably does not have a job or is a drug dealer.
If he is married. He cheats on her, he'll cheat on you.
Its better to be SINGLE than to SETTLE!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
New Apartment Fever.
So, Jaime and I moved into the new apartment this weekend. How groovy is that? We started moving our stuff out in Friday. We threw everything in random trash bags, transported the bags to the car and then dumped them all over the new apartment. Needless to say, our apartment looked like a bomb hit it in the first 5 minutes of dropping stuff off. At least we got a work out. Damn, some of those bags were heavy.
After all the hard work, I had to go to work. However, after work, an exciting night out was planned. I mean, Jaime and I already worked too hard earlier that day. So, we gathered some girls up and headed out for a fun filled night at Sutra. There we met lots of guys, which equaled lots of free shots and drinks. We had planned on just a few drinks because the next day we had to move all the big stuff out of the old the apartment. Woops, change of plans.
I wake up the next morning startled. Shoot, it was 9:45. We were supposed to get the Uhaul at 10. Who has a head ache? I have a head ache. Who will drive the Uhaul? Neither of us. Thank god for Jaime's friend Josh, who not only moved every single heavy item out of our apartment, but also drove the Uhaul for us. Jaime and I made for some good managers though. We complained about being tired. We complained about having head aches. We complained about wanting to be done. Yet, at this point I think we each may have moved one chair into the Uhaul truck. Good thing we had bought 47 beers for ALL of our one friend who came to help us move. Oh well, more beer for us.
7 months without a real bed has made me realize how thankful I am for real beds. I am so thankful, that I spend as much time as I can in it. I feel like Pinochio, but instead of being a real boy, I have a real bed!
Lesson learned: Next time hit up Ponce De Leon for some Mexicans to help us move.
After all the hard work, I had to go to work. However, after work, an exciting night out was planned. I mean, Jaime and I already worked too hard earlier that day. So, we gathered some girls up and headed out for a fun filled night at Sutra. There we met lots of guys, which equaled lots of free shots and drinks. We had planned on just a few drinks because the next day we had to move all the big stuff out of the old the apartment. Woops, change of plans.
I wake up the next morning startled. Shoot, it was 9:45. We were supposed to get the Uhaul at 10. Who has a head ache? I have a head ache. Who will drive the Uhaul? Neither of us. Thank god for Jaime's friend Josh, who not only moved every single heavy item out of our apartment, but also drove the Uhaul for us. Jaime and I made for some good managers though. We complained about being tired. We complained about having head aches. We complained about wanting to be done. Yet, at this point I think we each may have moved one chair into the Uhaul truck. Good thing we had bought 47 beers for ALL of our one friend who came to help us move. Oh well, more beer for us.
7 months without a real bed has made me realize how thankful I am for real beds. I am so thankful, that I spend as much time as I can in it. I feel like Pinochio, but instead of being a real boy, I have a real bed!
Lesson learned: Next time hit up Ponce De Leon for some Mexicans to help us move.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
And then there was 1
Last night I felt like I was in college again. I was told by my training manager at the tanning salon that I needed to have my training manual done by today. So, what did I do? I waited until 11 pm last night to finish it up. I went to the store and got myself some orange soda and a snack for studying...just like I was in college.
1 am rolled around and I was still working on that damn manual. I talked to my mom online-she told me that she felt like I was still in high school again because she was getting aggravated that I waited until the last minute to finish my "homework." I had to be at work at 8:30 am the next day. Which meant that I had to leave at 7:30 am to beat Atlanta traffic and make the long treck to Alpharetta. I decided to go to bed and finish the manual in the morning.
I woke up at 6am, finished the manual and threw some clothes on. I started my drive. Fifty cents into the toll. 20 minutes waiting to get off exit 11. I got to the store 10 minutes before the manager. Sat in the car with the other girl training. Walked into the building, clocked in. The manager said she wanted to talk to me. She brought me into the office. First, she gave me the 15 dollars back that she owed me for the food that she bought the last time we worked together. Not only did I have to order her food, she made me pay for it.
DANANA....she started off by saying "I really have fun working with you, and I love your bubbly personality..." ok lady, get to the BUT. "BUT, you do not have enough availability. So, I think it would be best if you just keep your restaurant job. We really need someone who can focus solely on our brand." Well, shit lady, good luck! I mean, I really would have loved waiting around every week for 17 mystery hours to make 8 dollars an hour. Unfortunately, I need to support myself.
Well, at least I wasted 50 cents, a few hours of my sleep, gas money and my mind for a week of cleaning tanning beds, an hour drive and one measly free tan!
Can a girl catch a break? Cuz she certainly can't catch a job! ;)
1 am rolled around and I was still working on that damn manual. I talked to my mom online-she told me that she felt like I was still in high school again because she was getting aggravated that I waited until the last minute to finish my "homework." I had to be at work at 8:30 am the next day. Which meant that I had to leave at 7:30 am to beat Atlanta traffic and make the long treck to Alpharetta. I decided to go to bed and finish the manual in the morning.
I woke up at 6am, finished the manual and threw some clothes on. I started my drive. Fifty cents into the toll. 20 minutes waiting to get off exit 11. I got to the store 10 minutes before the manager. Sat in the car with the other girl training. Walked into the building, clocked in. The manager said she wanted to talk to me. She brought me into the office. First, she gave me the 15 dollars back that she owed me for the food that she bought the last time we worked together. Not only did I have to order her food, she made me pay for it.
DANANA....she started off by saying "I really have fun working with you, and I love your bubbly personality..." ok lady, get to the BUT. "BUT, you do not have enough availability. So, I think it would be best if you just keep your restaurant job. We really need someone who can focus solely on our brand." Well, shit lady, good luck! I mean, I really would have loved waiting around every week for 17 mystery hours to make 8 dollars an hour. Unfortunately, I need to support myself.
Well, at least I wasted 50 cents, a few hours of my sleep, gas money and my mind for a week of cleaning tanning beds, an hour drive and one measly free tan!
Can a girl catch a break? Cuz she certainly can't catch a job! ;)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Why do guys love teddy bears?
Well, another Valentine's Day here and gone. Thanks to facebook I know who got what from their significant others on Valentines Day. There were only about 500 new pictures posted...all of roses. Great, how original. Before we know it, we'll start seeing girls posing in the lingerie that their hubbys bought for them.
However, I do feel bad for the guys who only bought half a dozen roses because they had to compete (look like a cheap ass) against the other dudes on facebook who gave their girls a dozen roses AND chocolates AND a necklace AND a teddy bear. Speaking of teddy bears, what is it with guys and buying teddy bears? Sure we are women, sure we can be emotional, sure we like to cuddle...but, what are we going to do with a teddy bear? Do you really want to be cuddling in bed next to the teddy bear and me? Lord knows you wouldnt like it, and lets be honest, we would only cuddle with it because we felt bad. If it wasnt cuddling in bed with us, it would be somewhere thrown on the floor. Untouched and not cared for. That would hurt your feelings. So, lets keep it simple. Teddy bears are not for grown women.
I worked at the restaurant tonight and saw a lot of teddy bears. Some pink, some fluffy, some with clothes, some little and some small. I guess men pick out their teddy bears like they pick out their women.... Who cares what it looks like as long as it does the trick~typical. Maybe some of these guys should have skipped out on the teddy bear and saved a little extra money for the TIP.
Overall, I dont see the point in teddy bears. We will never use them for anything. Buy us some wine. Not only will it make us happy, but it will probably increase your chances of getting lucky at the end of the night.
However, I do feel bad for the guys who only bought half a dozen roses because they had to compete (look like a cheap ass) against the other dudes on facebook who gave their girls a dozen roses AND chocolates AND a necklace AND a teddy bear. Speaking of teddy bears, what is it with guys and buying teddy bears? Sure we are women, sure we can be emotional, sure we like to cuddle...but, what are we going to do with a teddy bear? Do you really want to be cuddling in bed next to the teddy bear and me? Lord knows you wouldnt like it, and lets be honest, we would only cuddle with it because we felt bad. If it wasnt cuddling in bed with us, it would be somewhere thrown on the floor. Untouched and not cared for. That would hurt your feelings. So, lets keep it simple. Teddy bears are not for grown women.
I worked at the restaurant tonight and saw a lot of teddy bears. Some pink, some fluffy, some with clothes, some little and some small. I guess men pick out their teddy bears like they pick out their women.... Who cares what it looks like as long as it does the trick~typical. Maybe some of these guys should have skipped out on the teddy bear and saved a little extra money for the TIP.
Overall, I dont see the point in teddy bears. We will never use them for anything. Buy us some wine. Not only will it make us happy, but it will probably increase your chances of getting lucky at the end of the night.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Singles Awareness Day
The most wonderful time of the year is approaching! Oh, wait that is Christmas. The most depressing, cliche day of the year is coming-Valentines Day! AKA:Singles Awareness Day. No, I am not bitter. I enjoy my freedom.
Hearts, Candy, Flowers, Diamonds (you're dreaming-you'll never get them), Lingerie (you're really dreaming GUYS), Dinner, Wine-Nope, not for me. Only thing I will be getting on Valentine's Day is nausea from all the talk about how cute their boyfriends are, a head ache from all the complaining, bitter singles, and a Match.com account. What's the point of Valentine's Day anyway? If we are in love, don't you think we are reminded enough every day how in love we are. When he leaves the toilet seat up and you take a plunge into the water. When he farts in the car and rolls the windows up. When he plays video games. When he snores in his sleep. I think that's enough of a reminder, dont you? Do we really need a day to spend money on cliche items?
For the record, guys, we do not WANT a teddy bear. Are we 3 years old? It really isn't cute. We want diamonds...No, not that typical silver heart necklace from Kays-DIAMONDS. Yes, there is a difference. AND there's a catch 22 to chocolates. If you get them for us, you are making us fat..If you don't, you think we are fat. Get it right, or get lost.
After meeting some of the guys I have met in the past few months, I am proud to celebrate Valentines Day as Singles Awareness Day. Although, I hope maybe my life time Valentine, DAD, gets me a Valentine. I mean, I don't ever refuse chocolate (breathing or not) haha.
Single and Ready to Mingle....not Single and Ready to Settle
Hearts, Candy, Flowers, Diamonds (you're dreaming-you'll never get them), Lingerie (you're really dreaming GUYS), Dinner, Wine-Nope, not for me. Only thing I will be getting on Valentine's Day is nausea from all the talk about how cute their boyfriends are, a head ache from all the complaining, bitter singles, and a Match.com account. What's the point of Valentine's Day anyway? If we are in love, don't you think we are reminded enough every day how in love we are. When he leaves the toilet seat up and you take a plunge into the water. When he farts in the car and rolls the windows up. When he plays video games. When he snores in his sleep. I think that's enough of a reminder, dont you? Do we really need a day to spend money on cliche items?
For the record, guys, we do not WANT a teddy bear. Are we 3 years old? It really isn't cute. We want diamonds...No, not that typical silver heart necklace from Kays-DIAMONDS. Yes, there is a difference. AND there's a catch 22 to chocolates. If you get them for us, you are making us fat..If you don't, you think we are fat. Get it right, or get lost.
After meeting some of the guys I have met in the past few months, I am proud to celebrate Valentines Day as Singles Awareness Day. Although, I hope maybe my life time Valentine, DAD, gets me a Valentine. I mean, I don't ever refuse chocolate (breathing or not) haha.
Single and Ready to Mingle....not Single and Ready to Settle
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Training Tori
I know you are all dying to know about my last few days as a training employee of two different establishments. So here it is- True Life: I love my jobs.
So, I already told you a little bit about my first experience at the restaurant. Let me tell you, the second day was just as exciting. The bar got slammed and I became the bar bitch. No training. No tips. Just the bar bitch. I was getting people water, clearing tables, getting people menus, running food. Overall it was more exciting than the first day because I actually stayed busy, but, at the end of the night I remembered all I was leaving with was a few dollars an hour and a stomach full of mahi mahi and calamari. Did I mention I do not eat seafood? However, I did get home just in time to dance it up at Tounge and Groove. I may have made the entire club smell like an aquarium, but I just blamed it on the girl next to me.
Monday was my first day at the tanning salon. I learned things I never thought I would ever learn. First and most importantly, I learned how to thoroughly clean tanning beds. 3 steps--1. grab a towel and the spray. 2. spray the bed. 3. wipe down bed as if you were about to get in it. Watch out for pubes and butt juices. Difficult, right? Then I learned how to look at a computer screen and write down the sales for the day. I learned how to open and turn on the washer and dryer. All extremely important things. Before we left we had to go over some paper work, I started dozing off. Then she reminded me to study, study! Yah-I cant wait to study over 100 pages of material for 8 dollars an hour!
True Life: I hate my jobs.
So, I already told you a little bit about my first experience at the restaurant. Let me tell you, the second day was just as exciting. The bar got slammed and I became the bar bitch. No training. No tips. Just the bar bitch. I was getting people water, clearing tables, getting people menus, running food. Overall it was more exciting than the first day because I actually stayed busy, but, at the end of the night I remembered all I was leaving with was a few dollars an hour and a stomach full of mahi mahi and calamari. Did I mention I do not eat seafood? However, I did get home just in time to dance it up at Tounge and Groove. I may have made the entire club smell like an aquarium, but I just blamed it on the girl next to me.
Monday was my first day at the tanning salon. I learned things I never thought I would ever learn. First and most importantly, I learned how to thoroughly clean tanning beds. 3 steps--1. grab a towel and the spray. 2. spray the bed. 3. wipe down bed as if you were about to get in it. Watch out for pubes and butt juices. Difficult, right? Then I learned how to look at a computer screen and write down the sales for the day. I learned how to open and turn on the washer and dryer. All extremely important things. Before we left we had to go over some paper work, I started dozing off. Then she reminded me to study, study! Yah-I cant wait to study over 100 pages of material for 8 dollars an hour!
True Life: I hate my jobs.
Friday, February 4, 2011
HARD earned cash!
So, I did it. 6 months later and I end up with 2 jobs in one day. Not necessarily my dream jobs, but I should get by (if my dad still slips me a few benjamins from time to time).
I went to my last interview at the tanning salon on Thursday. She hired me on the spot. Told me I would be making 8 dollars an hour for 30 days with no commission. Who would have thought I would jump for joy for 8 dollars an hour. But then I realized I wouldn't see any of that cash. I forgot to mention I will be traveling all the way to Alpharetta every day next week. For those of you who don't know, it is about 30 mins away. There is also a toll that costs a dollar total back and forth. On top of that, I have a binder of notes about skin, tanning beds, lotions and other really important information that I am supposed to memorize and get tested on. All for 8 dollars an hour!
Tonight I started my first night at the restaurant. It felt good to have human interaction. The girls were all very nice. However, it was slightly slow. I was supposed to be training, but really I was just following the girls around being their shadow. I talked to some of the regulars at the restaurant. They were nice. They told me I probably had more education than all of management and the servers-how ironic. Overall it was a pleasant experience.
Its fun working 2 jobs. I can empathize with all the people that have no choice but to work 2 jobs. I can also empathize with all the people on welfare. Shit, why should I get 2 jobs to bust my butt when all I get is 8 dollars in return. HAHA
Can't wait to really utilize my education at my 2 new jobs. But, 6 hours of work for this unemployed bitch is a lot-Im tired. Deuces.
I went to my last interview at the tanning salon on Thursday. She hired me on the spot. Told me I would be making 8 dollars an hour for 30 days with no commission. Who would have thought I would jump for joy for 8 dollars an hour. But then I realized I wouldn't see any of that cash. I forgot to mention I will be traveling all the way to Alpharetta every day next week. For those of you who don't know, it is about 30 mins away. There is also a toll that costs a dollar total back and forth. On top of that, I have a binder of notes about skin, tanning beds, lotions and other really important information that I am supposed to memorize and get tested on. All for 8 dollars an hour!
Tonight I started my first night at the restaurant. It felt good to have human interaction. The girls were all very nice. However, it was slightly slow. I was supposed to be training, but really I was just following the girls around being their shadow. I talked to some of the regulars at the restaurant. They were nice. They told me I probably had more education than all of management and the servers-how ironic. Overall it was a pleasant experience.
Its fun working 2 jobs. I can empathize with all the people that have no choice but to work 2 jobs. I can also empathize with all the people on welfare. Shit, why should I get 2 jobs to bust my butt when all I get is 8 dollars in return. HAHA
Can't wait to really utilize my education at my 2 new jobs. But, 6 hours of work for this unemployed bitch is a lot-Im tired. Deuces.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Whats a girl to do?!
Overqualified. Under Qualified. Is there no in between? What's a girl to do?
So, today I had my last interview at McCormick's Seafood. The interview was going extremely well. He was like good answers, good answers. Then we got to the menu. I did not know that there were 10 different types of Groupers, I did not know that Tilapia was farm bread (I guessed correctly though) and I sure as hell didn't know what sea bass tasted like. First of all, I do not eat fish. Long story short- I was told my personality was awesome and that I presented myself very well. However, he was a little concerned about my knowledge of their menu, which consisted of lots of fish. I assured him that my 4 year college degree had to be good for something. I said, I think I can study, memorize and pass a test about fish with flying colors. He laughed-naturally. He gave me a menu in case I wanted to start my research. That is, if I even get offered the job. I guess tomorrow I will find out if they want to put in the time to provide me the "extensive" training I need.
Now, if I am not qualified enough to get a restaurant job, you would think I am good to go at a retail store right? ERRR wrong. Today, I got a rejection email from Ikea. "Thank you for your interest in our company, but at this time, we are looking into more QUALIFIED candidates." Well, damn. If I knew getting a college degree meant I couldn't have a career or a job to get by, then I would have just became a stripper from the JUMP.
Things are looking up though, I have a SECOND interview at a tanning salon tomorrow. I guess I could handle selling tanning packages to white chicks all while getting super bronze myself. If you know me, you know how much I like to tan.
So, I wonder...When will I actually be qualified for a job??
So, today I had my last interview at McCormick's Seafood. The interview was going extremely well. He was like good answers, good answers. Then we got to the menu. I did not know that there were 10 different types of Groupers, I did not know that Tilapia was farm bread (I guessed correctly though) and I sure as hell didn't know what sea bass tasted like. First of all, I do not eat fish. Long story short- I was told my personality was awesome and that I presented myself very well. However, he was a little concerned about my knowledge of their menu, which consisted of lots of fish. I assured him that my 4 year college degree had to be good for something. I said, I think I can study, memorize and pass a test about fish with flying colors. He laughed-naturally. He gave me a menu in case I wanted to start my research. That is, if I even get offered the job. I guess tomorrow I will find out if they want to put in the time to provide me the "extensive" training I need.
Now, if I am not qualified enough to get a restaurant job, you would think I am good to go at a retail store right? ERRR wrong. Today, I got a rejection email from Ikea. "Thank you for your interest in our company, but at this time, we are looking into more QUALIFIED candidates." Well, damn. If I knew getting a college degree meant I couldn't have a career or a job to get by, then I would have just became a stripper from the JUMP.
Things are looking up though, I have a SECOND interview at a tanning salon tomorrow. I guess I could handle selling tanning packages to white chicks all while getting super bronze myself. If you know me, you know how much I like to tan.
So, I wonder...When will I actually be qualified for a job??
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Hotlanta?
Atlanta, aka HOTlanta, is not really all that hot. In fact, its actually quite cold. The only things hot in Atlanta right now are the wings and the over crowded clubs. I thought I was escaping the snow, but I think it followed me here. Sorry Southerners, it's my fault that the entire city of Atlanta, actually the entire state of Georgia, was shut down for an entire week due to an inch of snow and ice.
Its my fault that all your children got to miss an entire week of school. Yes, its my fault that you got to sit on your ass all week wishing you were at work (please). I have never seen a ghost town before until it snowed in Atlanta. My roommate even had to walk to work. You should know that she works in a not-so wonderful area. Luckily, bums and convicts hibernate when it snows too, so she made it safe.
You would have thought that an atomic bomb was about to hit Georgia. My roommate and I thought nothing of stocking up on food...we can walk to the Publix up the street. Oh, who knew that it would be closed for an entire week? We were not about to starve, so we ice skated to the local gas station. We were able to come up with a healthy gourmet meal. Tostito chips, salsa, fourloko and BEER. We passed a few other people walking to the gas station. They were slipping and sliding everywhere. Jaime and I, however, walked on that ice like pros. I guess being from New Hampshire has taught us something valuable.
Hotlanta, please be hot again.
Its my fault that all your children got to miss an entire week of school. Yes, its my fault that you got to sit on your ass all week wishing you were at work (please). I have never seen a ghost town before until it snowed in Atlanta. My roommate even had to walk to work. You should know that she works in a not-so wonderful area. Luckily, bums and convicts hibernate when it snows too, so she made it safe.
You would have thought that an atomic bomb was about to hit Georgia. My roommate and I thought nothing of stocking up on food...we can walk to the Publix up the street. Oh, who knew that it would be closed for an entire week? We were not about to starve, so we ice skated to the local gas station. We were able to come up with a healthy gourmet meal. Tostito chips, salsa, fourloko and BEER. We passed a few other people walking to the gas station. They were slipping and sliding everywhere. Jaime and I, however, walked on that ice like pros. I guess being from New Hampshire has taught us something valuable.
Hotlanta, please be hot again.
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