Food

Lets start off with a little history lesson. Before preservatives, sweetners, spices, food coloring and all that other jazz there was this thing called eating to survive. Knights, cow boys, Indians, davey crocket-They all had to hunt for their food. They didn't have any A1 sauce for their deer, or barbeque for their squirrell. They didn't eat because it tasted good. They ate because they needed to in order to survive. Food was a necessity. Then the damn Indians and Pilgrims became besties. They started creating shit like bread pudding. That's when food started to become tasty. In the medeival times, being fat meant you were rich, so eating became a hobby. The fatter you were, the more money you had. Too bad that's not the case anymore.

The point I am trying to make is if fat was pretty, the world would be obese. Eating is no longer just a necessity. People eat when they are sad, they eat when they are bored, some think eating is a hobby, they eat when they are happy. As I sit here eating an entire bag of EXTRA cheddar gold fish, I think to myself. Why is eating satisifying? It tastes good for about 10 minutes then stays on your body in places like your ass and your thighs for far too long. Who the hell invented this stuff anyway?

P.huck M.y S.ycle

P. huck M. y S. ycle

Also known as (THE ONE AND ONLY) pre-menstrual cycle, PMS is a bitch, LITERALLY. Every month, unless pregnant, obese, anorexic, or too active, women can anticipate their wonderful PERIOD. Sometimes on schedule, sometimes late, the period -aka:crime scene aka: the rag aka: Aunt Floe- takes it toll on every woman differently. Some women become more emotional, some women become irritable, some women are unchanged and some women just experience discomfort.

ME, on the other hand, I am a chosen one. I experience it all. Mother nature sure is a bitch. She sneaks up on me whenever she wants to. Sometimes shes early and sometimes shes late. I cry, I laugh, I get pissed, I get cramps, I feel fat, I eat, I cry some more, I yell, I eat some more, I get mad...Its all a cycle during a cycle. My hormones are up, they are down, they go left, they go right.

It starts the week before. I start to eat everything in sight. My stomach is a bottomless pit. I feel bloated. Then I eat some more and then I feel fat. Then I cry because I am fat. Then I watch the television and a pet cruelty commercial comes on. The cat has one ear and no hair. I cry. I hate cats, but I still cry. Lifetime movies come on, I cry. The stories are not real. In fact, they are far from realistic. They are corny, I ball. I continue to eat some chips and maybe some ice cream. I feel fat and bloated once again. I complain about being fat. I blame it on my period. I go to work, somebody asks me for a water. Really? WTF-thats annoying, I DONT WANT TO GET YOU A WATER. I forget that its part of my job. Someone makes fun of me, a joke that I can take during any other week, I cry. People stop at stop lights, I get pissed. People drive slow, I curse to myself. Someone accidentally bumps into me, THAT STUPID B****.

PMS gives women an excuse to be bitchy. "Shes not usually a bitch, shes just on her period." Well, some women must be on their period a lot. All I know is that PMS is the devil.

Phuck My Sycle!!
(F*** my Cycle)